Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
You Might Also Like
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
How to find Kentucky on a map
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Oh. My. God.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.