i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
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Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Hell yeah 👍
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol