If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
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If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people