Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
You Might Also Like
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
getting groceries
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.