[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
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Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Self-cleaning conscience
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class