I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
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is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
In case you needed to hear it:
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me