Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
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They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.