Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
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My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
They did not miss in the small print
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
*purges outlook inbox
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Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.