I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
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Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
My flabber has been gasted.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think