[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
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Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.