Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
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It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
the three branches of government
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Vodka burrito was a success
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
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