If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
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“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.