*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
You Might Also Like
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
ibopfufen
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?