I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
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[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks