I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
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Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.