[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
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Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby