I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
You Might Also Like
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
My sex drive has a dui
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.