I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
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I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.