I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
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My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
fixed it
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”