[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
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Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house