when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
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Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.