No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
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Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
The symmetry is uncanny.