i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.

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If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.


Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?


Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.


The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change


The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.


Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!


When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny


The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.


Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.