i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.

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My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!

PLEASE do not tell my husband


I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.


If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.


in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful


[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?


Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.


*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope


ME: *stands by the window*

ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot


Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling