i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
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“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
lol
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.