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choose your fighter
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Canada has crack?
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”