The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
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Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse