Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
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horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.