THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
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i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
me when the borders lift
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
A classic…
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single