DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
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My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Art by Pastelkatto
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer