[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
You Might Also Like
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.