Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
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My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen