What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
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My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
grotesque if literal: baby food
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.