“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
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Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
When ur friends with white people
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit