Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
You Might Also Like
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
won’t smith
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in