I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
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temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
I’m putting together a team
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths