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My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.