@felixoshea My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
@CopBroughtPizza thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
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@felixoshea 
@Reverend_Scott BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
@Tmoney68 I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
@DairylandDon The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
@chopper4jk Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
@murrman5 [to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
@envydatropic According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
@OkieGirl405 My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
@SkinnerSteven Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
@CherBear162 I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.