thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
You Might Also Like
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Perfection.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.