I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
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Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell