Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.

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[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe


Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.

Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.


I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination


Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.


My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye


1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)

Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?


My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.

I think this means he wants me to talk to him.


When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.


I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!