@piranhapanorama

Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.

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@mjkspeaks

[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe

@simoncholland

Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.

Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.

@Book_Krazy

I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination

@samalmightysam

Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.

@MelvinofYork

My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye

@hoedeehoe

1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)

Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?

@hbreaker9999

My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.

I think this means he wants me to talk to him.

@MrFornicator

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

@TheBoydP

I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!