Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
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The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?