Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
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“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
*pronounces woah like Noah*
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.