when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
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I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
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You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals