I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
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Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Wait a second…
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book