Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
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Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Yup
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.