My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
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LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
My sex drive has a dui
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
The news
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*