I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
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Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
My first son he is wonderful
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Hamburger Hinderer.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this