The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
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Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.