[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
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If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
time for some seasonal decor
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Have a lovely day 😊
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,