*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
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Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.