My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
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I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.