I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
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I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad