If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
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Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
October already? What’s next? November????
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter